I have a funny story to tell you. But before I tell it, you must remember that I didn't know it was going to be funny until it ended, to me it was very stressful, all the more so because it was caused almost entirely by my own idiocy.
The story begins as I was giving a lift to Tony Payne, one of the Australians from Matthias Media, who were in town for a conference at CHBC, to Dulles airport which is about 45 minutes away. We were having a great chat talking about the differences between Australia and America, the Knox-Robinson view of church, the Federal Vision and the upcoming Australian election. As we approached the airport I saw a police car pull out into the road from where it had been sitting in the central reservation. I assumed that it was simply going back to the station at the end of its shift. Stupidly, I went by the police car in the left hand lane, having forgotten that the speed limit drops sharply going into Dulles though it is almost universally ignored. I decided, therefore, to pull in to the right hand lane and reduce my speed.
I was too late. Two minutes later I saw the light flashing in the police car, the lights, oddly enough, were on the inside of the car by the rear-view mirror, and I pulled over. Not only was I embarrassed at having been pulled over while giving Tony a lift to catch his flight, I was also panicking that I hadn't brought my wallet with me, in which was contained my driving licence. In fact, I had wondered whether or not I had it before I got into the car but had not bothered to go back and get it, thinking that the odds of a careful driver like myself getting pulled over were very slim.
After a couple of minutes the policeman came over to the car. He had was stout, had full, fleshy face with red hair and the kind of moustache that suggests a desire to communicate authority, an authority unfortunately diminished by the fact the moustache was ginger.
'Driver's licence please' he drawled, the last word obviously being a function of routine rather than courtesy.
'Erm, I'm afraid I've left my wallet back at home, I'm sorry about that' I said in as soft and refined a British accent I could manage, as if the fact that my nation was an ally in the war on terror and I had a tertiary education would gain me leniency.
'Speeding, no driver's licence: is there anything else you want to tell me before I find out?'
I furrowed my brow as if carefully auditing my life for criminal acts: had I been involved in any terrorist plots? No. Was I a member of the Mafia or a gang of Triads? No. Did I run a drug racketeering ring? No. Was I, as the immigration form asked on my entry into the country, involved in the genocide associated with the 1933-45 Nazi government of Germany? No.
After a moments pause to answer these questions to my own satisfaction I answered,
'No, I don't think so'.
'OK, step out of the vehicle'
At this point my expectations about what was to happen next were entirely governed by films I had seen where young men are pulled over by portly policemen with moustaches and Southern accents. My expectations were not good.
'Spread your hands against the hood and pull your feet back'
I did so.
'Pull your feet back further'
I did so, this time wondering what possible threat I could have posed with my feet six inches closer to the bumper of the car.
'What state was your license in?'
'It was a British licence'
'Oh then, you don't have a licence. Where do you live?'
'Washington D.C. I thought I had a year to get an American licence' As I said this, I did what I often do when speaking and gestured with my hand.
'Put your hands back on the vehicle!'
'Oh yes, of course, sorry.'
'How long have you been in America for?'
'Since August, 2 or 3 months'
'2 or 3 months? Well, when you moved to the District of Columbia you should have known that you had 30 days to get a D.C. license, it's common sense.'
'Oh, I didn't realise, I thought I had longer than that. I'm very sorry.' And, again, finding it odd talking to someone who was standing at a 90 degree angle to me, I twisted my body a took my left hand off the car.
'Put your hands back on the car! If you do that again I'm gonna lay you out on the street right here, you understand?'
'Yes, I'm sorry, of course.'
After this, he went and spoke to Tony and asked for his license and told me that I couldn't drive the car any more and that Tony would have to drive the rest of the way to the airport, park the car and I would have to get someone to come out to Dulles and drive me back and that if he caught me driving back to D.C. he would arrest me and throw me in the county jail, a phrase that conjured images of Martin Luther King writing letters and big men called Bubba. I was also to return to Dulles Airport police station the next day and present my license, if I didn't he would issue a warrant for my arrest.
I got back into the passenger seat, and asked if Tony had ever driven on the right before.
'Once, five years ago.'
Having worked out how to start the car (which was a Chevy Suburban, a car that would officially be classified as 'tank' in the UK) we made the journey to the parking lot and I showed Tony where the check in desk was. He very kindly gave me a few dollars to make a call back to CHBC and buy myself a coffee while I waited to be picked up.
I rang the CHBC office from a payphone and began the conversation with 'Hello Ben, it's Graham here, I need someone to pick me up from Dulles because I nearly got arrested.' Ben's response was to shout to the rest of the office 'Pipe down here! Graham nearly got arrested.' which brought the chatter behind him to a halt. After I had related the gist of my run in with the police officer I was told, on the authority of Mike Gilbart-Smith, that there was no rule that you had to get an American license within 30 days (I have to admit, I was skeptical that no-one would know this rule at the church, given the number of Brits that had passed through its doors) and that I should just get back in the car and drive back. Relieved that I wouldn't have to sit at the airport and would probably get back to finish my paper on Charles Bridges' 'The Christian Ministry' on time, I began to leave the terminal building.
Just before I got to the door, I remembered that I didn't have enough money to pay for the $4 parking fee at the airport. When Tony gave me money, I didn't mention it to him because I assumed that someone from CHBC would come with their wallet and pick me up. Then, I remembered that there was a period of time within which parking was free and that you could pay within the terminal building. I rushed to a machine and put the ticket it. To my disappointment, it was going to take $4 to get out of the car park/parking lot. Considering my options: ramming the gate, walking home or begging for the rest of the money, I chose begging.
I went up to a group of well dressed people who looked like airport staff and remembering the technique of every beggar I had come across in London's West End I began with 'I don't normally do this but could you possibly lend me a dollar to...' except I did it in the best Oxbridge accent I could manage which most of the beggars in Leicester Sq don't do. I swiftly noticed that the group did not care one jot what my story was, they were quite happy to give a dollar in order to stave off the threat that I was, in fact, a drug-addled Oxbridge graduate that could turn nasty at any moment.
I promptly paid for my parking and left the airport, driving home trying to do as little as possible to attract the attention of any police cars which meant blending in by driving at twice the speed limit of 25 mph like all the other cars on the road. I was pretty confident I wouldn't be caught because the policeman had driven off back toward the station as soon as we had pulled off to go to the airport. I arrived home to tell my story to the staff at CHBC, Kasey Culp actually buzzed people to tell them I was telling it, and to plan to go back to the station the next day.
I wondered what would happen when I arrived at the police station because the officer hadn't given me his name and had only given my a rough time to arrive, 'around 3' so I thought it unlikely that anything awful would happen. However, the thought of county jail and big men called Bubba still haunted me for the rest of the evening. In the end though, I very nearly didn't get to the station at all.
Just a few miles beyond Dulles airport is Leesburg Outlet Mall, an outdoors shopping centre with outlet stores that seem to have perpetual sales on. Needing some winter clothes because the weather has finally turned, I decided to combine my trip to the police station with a shopping trip and given that I didn't know how long I'd be a the station I decided to go to the mall first. The trip started well, I found what I needed and as I dropped the clothes back in the car I had borrowed from my fellow intern Scott, I decided to head back to the food court in to get some lunch before I headed to the station. I got a Burger King Chicken sandwich meal, ate it, threw away the trash/rubbish, went to the toilet/bathroom and headed back to the car. Which was when I discovered I didn't have the car key. I looked in my pockets, in my jacket, in my wallet and in my book. No key. As I wandered back to the food hall to look for it I wondered whether I should buy a tennis ball, cut it in half, place it over the lock, hit it and use the air pressure to force the lock . I then remembered that though half a tennis ball might be able to open a car, it was unlikely to be able to start the engine and that was crucial to the progression of my day.
I arrived back at the food hall, had a quick look in the last places I had been, the sinks of the toilet/bathroom, the table I had sat on and the till that I had been to to pay. The key was at none of these places. I asked at the information desk whether it had been handed in and signed my name in the lost property book, noticing that none of the items above me on the list had been found. During this time I was getting very stressed at the thought of having to get somebody to come out and open the car for me when I had no documentation to prove I was the owner, since I wasn't, and Scott, who did own the car, was on a ten mile hiking trip in the Shenandoah valley.
It dawned on me that the most likely thing to have happened was that as I threw my rubbish/trash away, the key was lying on the tray and had fallen into the bin/trash can. I decided to speak to one of the staff of the food hall so queued up again at the same till/register I had used before. When I got to the front of the line/queue I tried to explain what had happened to the Hispanic man who was operating the till.
'I think I may have lost my key, I think it may have fallen into the trash, can someone look for it with me?'
'Why don't you go to the information desk?' asked the lady behind me in the queue in a strong Pennsylvania accent.
'Yes, I've already done that, thanks.'
'Oh, I didn't mean anything by it' said the lady, clearly thinking I thought she was trying to get me to hurry up so she could pay.
'I know, sorry, that was kind of you' I said and turned to continue to explain my predicament to the man at the till.
'It OK, it OK' he said, interrupting me.
I was more confused than I was hopeful and asked 'What's OK?'
'You go round and make order again' he said gesturing toward the various stalls selling various combinations of grease.
'No, no, you see I've lost my key-' I began again.
'He's lost his key!' The woman behind me began to talk to the man in a raised voice.
'He can't understand you' she said and as I looked I saw that a look of utter incomprehension had spread across the man's face.
'Who's in charge here?' the woman asked and the man gestured toward the Starbucks stall 'Him, him' he said and I went to join that queue and talk to the manager.
As I got to the back of the line, the woman had been behind me came up to me and said, 'He couldn't understand you. One of things I've heard about this place is that none of them can understand you. If I were you I would just look through the trash and not worry about being arrested.'
Prior to this point, I hadn't considered that one could arrested for what I proposed to do, for laws are usually made against things that people would want to do. There is, I believe, no law against eating cockroaches for this very reason. However, as I looked around the room and saw that all of the staff probably had the same English skills as my friend at the till and that my situation was unusual and hard to explain, I decided that even without rubber gloves and even with the threat of legal sanction, in addition to the pending warrant for my arrest, hanging over me, I would have to take matters into my own hands and look through the trash myself.
The trash can/bin that I had used had been turned around so that it could receive no more rubbish since it was full. This meant that I was lucky that it hadn't already been taken away but that my items were likely to be near the top. I turned the plastic box the bag was in around and crouched down to rummage through. As I did so I wondered what the people eating their lunches thought as they saw me with my arms thrust inside a trash can or what the mother with a British accent a yard to my left playing with her child in one of those toy planes you can sit in thought as I peered in as if on some kind of archaeological dig. I had never rummaged through rubbish in public before nor seen anyone do it and I began to see just why that was.
Trying to ignore the smell, and the thought of what I was possibly touching, I soon discovered a Coke cup which was the right size and had the right amount of ice left in it to suggest that it may have been mine. Sure enough, near to this was a Burger King chicken sandwich wrapper and as I pushed that aside I saw the object of my search lying flat on the tray cover that fast food restaurants use these days. I grabbed it, relieved and elated, and as I turned to go and wash my hands I held the key up to the mother who was crouching with her child like a trophy, half in explanation and half in triumph. I soon washed my hands and the key and walked back to the car to drive to the police station and escape legal sanction.
The nearest station I could find on Google maps to Dulles airport was Herndon police department which was just east of Dulles and about half an hour away from Leesburg mall. After filling up with a little gas/petrol I drove to the station, got a little lost in Herndon and parked up in front, avoiding the space that was reserved for the commissioner. I went and explained what I was doing there. My explanation caused some confusion and consternation and it emerged that I was, in fact, at the wrong station and I was given the number of the Dulles Airport Police Department but no directions or a map. So, I rang the number and explained to the person who answered that I had been asked to come in and show my license but that I was at the wrong station and needed to get to Dulles police department.
'So where are you?' they asked.
'I'm at Herndon but I need to be at Dulles.'
'So what do you want? Do you want the number for Herndon?'
'No,' I explained patiently,'I'm at Herndon, I need to know how to get to Dulles'
At this the man exhaled deeply as if I had asked how to get from Tripoli to Ouagadougou.
'Well, err, oh, well, where exactly are you?'
'I'm at Herndon...'
'What street is that...'
Seeing this was going to be painful, I explained that I knew how to get to the airport, at which the man brightened considerably and explained how I could get to the station from there.
I entered the station nervously but as I explained what I'd been asked to do to the man sitting at the desk I affected a calm confidence that only the innocent could possess. The man at the desk had a round face, entirely bald and looked like he came straight from central casting. He asked me which officer had pulled me over while he examined my photocard and counterpart licence and when I explained he had red hair and a moustache he asked 'White guy?'. After pausing to imagine a black police officer with red hair and moustache I answered in the affirmative. He said 'Yeah, I think I know who you mean' in a way that added 'and I think he's a complete jerk' and continued 'I'll let him know you called, thank you very much for coming in, sir' which restored some of my faith in the American police forces.
So, I drove back, still in possession of my liberty, my money and Scott's car key, an exhausted and grateful man.
I'll just finish with two observations for this post is already much too long. First, authority is a good thing but it is terrible when it is misused or even correctly used in the wrong spirit. I suppose I was driving without the possession of a license and going over the speed limit but there seemed an arbitrary nature to the fact I was pulled over and a rudeness and discourtesy in the way I was treated. I'm grateful that the ultimate authority in the universe is held by someone who is just, who shows no partiality and who offers mercy and forgiveness for sins, while upholding justice, through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. Second, the ordinary grace of God. I wrote a post on this a few weeks ago but it strikes me as extraordinarily kind of God to help the kind of man who forgets his wallet, overtakes police cars and throws his car key away in the rubbish escape some terrible fate. If, even when I do everything I can to land myself in jail and with a huge mechanic bill, He rescues me then I think I can trust him in pretty much all circumstances.